My father is a total investing maniac
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Mom once got him a “World’s Best Dad” mug. First thing he did was check if it was a limited edition. Said it might appreciate over time.
Weekends? Forget it. He’s glued to his laptop, watching YouTubers with names like DividendDave and OptionsOverlord. I asked if we could go to Disneyland once. He looked me dead in the eye and said, “Son, fun doesn’t compound.”
For Christmas, he gave me Apple stock instead of a present. Said it was “a gift that appreciates.” During family dinners he’s not even present — just scrolling through TradingView muttering things like “strong support at 180.” Grandma asks if he wants more mashed potatoes and he goes, “Can’t. Starches are a depreciating asset.”
When the market crashes, it’s a national tragedy. He walks around in silence for days, whispering about “the Fed’s betrayal.” Mom told him to take out the trash once and he said, “I don’t act under emotional pressure.”
When he makes a profit, he starts acting like Warren Buffett’s long-lost heir. Keeps saying “it’s not luck, it’s due diligence.” Tried convincing me to sell my Xbox because “index funds outperform consoles long-term.”
He joined some Facebook group for investors and then invited them over. Four middle-aged dudes in Patagonia vests sitting around arguing whether Bitcoin counts as a hedge. Mom brought cheesecake and he yelled, “Honey, not now — we’re discussing liquidity!”
I asked him once if he’ll ever stop investing. He stared out the window, sighed, and said: “Son, real investors don’t retire. They just diversify… permanently.”